Daughters Of Borderline Mothers

Changes

monica — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 22:27:29 +0000

Recently I have come to terms with my diagnosis of C-PTSD which has been confirmed by my doctor. The diagnosis came with grief and hope. For over twenty-five years I have lived with the physical manifestations of fear and excessive anxiety. When triggered..my body would react with the same fight and flight mechanism that it has been accustomed to my entire childhood/adolescence. I was embarrassed by this inability to remain in the fearful state…always running to the nearest exit door. This running and avoidance behavior baffled me because I was in a stable environment far removed from my chaotic childhood .

Why was this repeating itself everyday?

Why did I always feel like I was in danger?

What could I do about it?

I have seen my share of therapists and found little relief. And I had never came across ANYONE who shared this peculiar “running away” as fast as they could behavior.I also shared this with therapists …but they all could offer me was that I had anxiety. …..Tell me something I don’t know?!

I have written many posts on these issues,never feeling safe, yesterdays sadness,feeling the urge to run.

Complex traumatic stress Disorder.

I never heard of that before. I had heard of PTSD. But from what I have read that did not fit because I suffered from CHRONIC trauma. I used to feel trapped .I would be terrified for my life… I would panic, heart would race, I would sweat ,shake and try to catch my breathe….but there simply was no escape. Day after day for years.

When I read about C-PTSD. I cried. and I cried and cried.

Finally my behavior could be explained. Relief. ..and hopeful.

I am prepared to do whatever I can do get better.

Mindfulness, proper breathing and learning to be present has shown incredible success in helping people with C-PTSD . Some of the themes of mindfulness are learning to stay present and accept what is. I am so used to running because I could never tolerate the feelings. I would feel guilty for running and wondered why the heck was I running when there was no REAL THREAT?

But it felt real…and I was outta there!

I have recently joined a mindfulness mediation stress reduction group so that I can learn the skills to use to help me stay in the moment.

I am feeling hopeful about the future. (first time!)

I have also decided that its time to retire this blog.

There are many wonderful blogs out there that deal with the topic of Borderline mothers.

One of them is run by my friend Linda . Its called Stop The Storm. Another is Greta Ella’s blog The Queen and King. Both women are very compassionate with a heart for helping others.

For those of you who think you may have C-PTSD. I would recommend an amazing blog that has been helping me. It is Marty’s blog, called C-PTSD A Way Out. Marty once suffered from severe anxiety and is now symptom free and living a happy and comfortable life.

I wish you all love and hope and most importantly,

peace in your healing,

Love,

Monica

Valentine’s Day Love

monica — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 03:18:30 +0000

My girl’s are in their late teens and we still buy them valentine’s day cards. Why not? They are the greatest joy of our lives. My husband was the one to go the hallmark store this year. Being that they are twins, we are careful to choose ones that express their individuality. My husband also bought them each a box of chocolates. When he came home with the two cards he had me guess which one I thought would be for each girl. I read each of the cards and pointed to the correct ones. He laughed and said “How did you know that was the one I choose for her.”

We each take up half a page to write our feelings down. How do you put into words the indescribable love you have for a daughter? I begin with the fact that they are a gift. That from the moment I laid eyes on them I knew I would love them with all that I am. I told them that they are valuable and precious and I am so very proud of them.

I hand the card over to my husband who smiles back at me as he reads it. He then writes his love notes…is it possible to be in love with your children?

I think so!!

We couldn’t wait to rush upstairs and hand them each their card and chocolates. We tapped at their door and with a goofy smile..we both said “happy valentines day!”

They hugged us and told us that they loved us too.

To me…that is the greatest experience of valentines day….LOVE!

Trust and Control.

monica — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 17:50:39 +0000

I consider myself a pretty deep person. When I meet a person ..I am interested in the whole person. And one of the things that helps me establish a sense of trust with a person is when I see that they too have depth to their character and are not locked into superficial nonsense. I also seem to have excellent radar that help me in the assessment process. My radar is super sensitized to controlling and self-centered people. It doesn’t take me very long before the radar goes off and I can feel a familiar feeling inside of me that alerts me with ” This one is not safe” or ” Personality disorder!! Keep away!”

I have had a few issues with people who give off “out of control” vibes.One of them was my previous director at work. He carried so much anxiety and chaos with his direction that I had a really hard time relaxing in front of him…more importantly I did not trust his actions. His behavior set off my hypersensitivity to chaos and we did not work well together. I knew exactly what was going on. Yet, while my other co workers also found him extremely difficult to work with…they did not have the same emotional reactions that I did. When he would come into my office and ask me for something in what I felt was a disrespectful manner..my guard would immediately go up and my inexperienced assertive self would rise up to protect her girl! Inside I would be saying ” No one has the right to treat me this way, so I would tell HIM to calm down and relax. This response from me would only make him more agitated and it would just be a bad situation for both of us. But This is exactly what happens to me today when someone brings me their chaos or nervous energy or if I feel that they treat me in a disrespectful manner. While my other co workers could tell the director that they don’t appreciate the tone he is using with them…I am way past that! I just can’t seem to tolerate it.Its my mother’s energy and I just can’t let that near me.

I think we daughters are sensitized to any kind of inappropriate behavior. We know in our gut what is acceptable and what is not. The issue is …we are not yet comfortable with expressing our feelings about it in a calm and assertive way. I know for me…its just too loaded with previous junk! I just can’t seem to step back and think about how I am going to deal with it…I am just on the defence.

Its not that I am refusing to take responsibility for my reaction…or should I say overreaction. I know I am over reacting and I understand the triggers. I just have not arrived at the place where I can handle it in a healthy manner. I guess that is part of the journey to healing.

Moving Song called Broken Things

monica — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 01:09:15 +0000

Reblogged from Daughters Of Borderline Mothers:

Broken Things Click on the title above to listen

Sometimes….we look to others to fix us. But are we really broken? I love this sweet song because when I am feeling shattered…I am reminded that I am lovely and beautiful inside. No experience can change who I really am. I may feel disgraced and humilated by my experiences. But I must remember..I am not my experiences. They don’t own me. They don’t determine my future. They are my past.
I will not reject it’s lessons but be grateful for them. For through them I have learned what havoc evil can do. But I have also been given the gift of mercy. I am drawn to care for the helpess and speak up for the powerless. That has become a strength.

Share Your Story

monica — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:26:29 +0000

A big part of healing I believe comes from sharing our stories. I have found that by writing out many of my own personal experiences in this kind of forum has helped me in a way I don’t really have the words to describe. Liberating is one word I could use to describe it. I want you give YOU the opportunity to write about such experiences. We all have a story to tell. And YOURS is worth telling and needs to be voiced.

Give yourself that gift. Let the story come OUT. Maybe its a painful memory you never shared before or maybe its just what it was like growing up with a BPD mother. Maybe its about the father who stayed silent. I have written about my experiences with my mother at different times during my life. I have also written about my extended family and their lack of intervention. I have written about not being allowed to ever express my feelings and what that was like.

Here is your opportunity. You can write as much as you want. That is what this next section will be for. You may tell your story. This is YOUR BLOG too. I am going to leave it open for a while so people can write whenever they feel they would like to.

Safety

monica — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 03:41:30 +0000

This is a biggie…probably I would say one of the biggest issues that is underlying all of the little stuff. Last night someone I know posted a well-known personality figure who was being interviewed about her experiences of being sexually abused by her father as a child until she was eighteen years old. She had never shared this before but felt that her story might help others and so she decided to speak openly about it. She talked about how her father would arrange the environment at home so that her mother would be out and they could be alone. She never felt safe in her home as he would violate her very being. There is no escaping yourself. She was very frightened of her father and so in order to not get him angry she had to do what she despised the most …tell him that it pleased her when she was actually completely disgusted and devastated. Her feelings were completely denied.

While at school she wore a happy face and acted like everything was great. She did a lot of acting. My mouth hung open as I listened to her story and my heart was broken for her. I thought ..how could someone possibly survive in that kind of environment on a daily basis? How can they be sane today?

What resonated with me today..(I watched the interview last night) was this sense of living in constant fear. Although I did not fear that I was going to be raped…I still felt the daily threat that my well-being was in danger. I lived in terror of my mother’s rages and behavior. She would become dangerous. I wanted to go off and hide but there was nowhere to escape to. I was stuck. I could feel my breathing getting very slow and heavy while my heart would beat so rapidly I thought it might explode. I was in position. I was ready for flight! I was like a fire cracker ready to go off. My mind was racing along with my heart. And somewhere in there came the devastating truth that would mark my soul and mind for life. I wasn’t going anywhere. There was nowhere to go.

I was stuck…with no way of escape from the danger that I have found myself in. AGAIN.

Again. I say again because this pattern was repeated constantly. Yet I still reacted in total fear each and every time. Thinking back..I guess you could say I lost control. I was terrified and panicked. I may have had full fledge panic attacks, I am not sure. The conclusion I came to accept about myself was that I had no control over my life and that I was helpless and STUCK … And when this happens…I would come undone.

Is it any wonder why today I have such a difficult time establishing an inner sense of safety? I can put on relaxing music and start the fireplace but inside I still feel threatened.

The issues for me as an adult are still the same. I never feel safe despite being out of danger. Things that are not really dangerous can FEEL dangerous. It’s as if my body …is still somehow there. I also have a fear of being stuck or stranded without any help. So …I travel with a lot of stomach aches. I am still stuck on old issues.

Even by creating a family, having a job I enjoy..I still struggle with those same old patterns. I am often afraid and I never really feel safe.

I asked myself today..will I ever feel safe? Maybe I need to learn to get comfortable with not always knowing whats going to happen.

I learned from an early age to expect the worse…because that was usually the outcome. But that is NOT always the case anymore…..can someone please inform my nervous stomach ?

Life long thinking patterns and reactions can be very difficult to challenge. I know I need to at least do my part and stop talking the fear when I notice I am doing it. I think that’s what they call…

“cognitive therapy.”

How do you deal with issues of safety? How have you managed to create (if any) feelings of inner safety?

What is your biggest challenge?

More Experiences ..Share your thoughts….

monica — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:04:17 +0000

Feel free to post any stories,thoughts or comments and I will post them . You will find someone here who can relate to your situation and will respond to you. Your feelings are important.

Sunshine!

monica — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:21:15 +0000

I have left the snow and frost behind and can’t believe I am actually sitting by the ocean. This…was so not planned! And…if you might suspect, I kinda like to have some time to plan.I guess there is a first time for everyone. And I did not fall apart as I was running around the house when I got home from work and started washing clothes and packing for our trip the following day. I can’t believe I almost said “let;s forget this.” That was fear talking. Ofcourse! What was the worst that could happen? I wonder how many other good opportunities I must have let go because of fear…but now is not the time to talk of that. I live in a very cold climate during the winter months. It’s very beautiful to look at but not so lovely when you are shoveling out your car. And..for some of us,like myself..the winter can sometimes bring on the blues.

As I stepped onto the beach this morning and breathed in slowly I knew we made the right decision. I know I am fortunate that I was able to take this week away. I am grateful. A change of scenery is sometimes just what one needs…

Self-Acceptance…Not Always Easy

monica — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 17:32:59 +0000

It’s January 1st and I have been thinking about my “wish” to be more accepting of myself and I am realizing that this desire of mine seems so far away in the distance. It sounds so easy on paper or when it leaves your mouth but for myself who moves,breathes and lives out of a deep sense of unworthiness …this wish is going to have to take a lot of work to change. I don’t like to admit that my identity is tainted in shame but the truth is….it is.

In my head…I know that the shame had nothing to do with me..but with the adults who themselves were shamed as children and therefore were not equiped to parent. The messages that I recieved..were not about MY worth as a human being. None the less…As I grew however, I took those images into myself and made them my own.

I saw:

A mother beat her toddler,turn into a monster,

I watched the only person I ever felt safe with leave…and leave me with the monster.

I watched adults turn into uncontrollable animals as they fought .

I watched when no one even noticed I was ever-present. I was invisible.

I was yelled at by relatives for showing pain..to stop crying because I might make my father sad.

I was smacked by my mother for telling her I was sad.

I was called selfish for all the pain and troubles my mother went through.

To this day..Sometimes I feel like I am in the way.

My emotions sometimes don’t fit the right scenario.

I sometimes feel invisible. I have a hard time trusting people..wondering what their motives are.

I live in anxiety.

I look like a grown woman but sometimes still feel like a scared little insecure child.

I am often afraid to try new things because I am already anticipating that I am going to fail’

I secretly feel that people are judging me.

I am afraid that if I show you what I am really like..you might reject me.

I am not close to my extended family…even though the rest of them are.

I feel like..maybe if I look and act perfect…then maybe I will be acceptable.

I want to be me and accept my imperfections. It just is going to take some time and maybe some understanding.

A New Years Wish…..The year To Accept My Imperfections With Love.

monica — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 22:15:48 +0000

The above authenticity pledge was written by Brene Brown. I love what it says and found her blog very interesting. Its called “Ordinary Courage”. I plan on reading a couple of her books in the new year.

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year of Healing, Love and Goodness.