A big part of healing I believe comes from sharing our stories. I have found that by writing out many of my own personal experiences in this kind of forum has helped me in a way I don’t really have the words to describe. Liberating is one word I could use to describe it. I want you give YOU the opportunity to write about such experiences. We all have a story to tell. And YOURS is worth telling and needs to be voiced.
Give yourself that gift. Let the story come OUT. Maybe its a painful memory you never shared before or maybe its just what it was like growing up with a BPD mother. Maybe its about the father who stayed silent. I have written about my experiences with my mother at different times during my life. I have also written about my extended family and their lack of intervention. I have written about not being allowed to ever express my feelings and what that was like.
Here is your opportunity. You can write as much as you want. That is what this next section will be for. You may tell your story. This is YOUR BLOG too. I am going to leave it open for a while so people can write whenever they feel they would like to.
Hi dear Monica! I just wanted to say here that a friend handed me a brochure on Friday for a new therapist who has set up practice in a town 70 miles round trip away from this tiny town I live in. The brochure is beautiful. The therapist sounds like a woman I could work with. I NEED to tell some of my story to a good therapist right now. I can’t afford the therapy. I will call. I will find out the cost. But why, really? I am in poverty. I feel sad about this, not only for myself but for so many, many people who suffered from insanity and abuse in childhood that permanently changed their lives into a kind of struggle nobody should have to live through.
I continually remind myself that around this world there are literally billions of people suffering terribly from horrendous living conditions I can’t begin to imagine. But even as I do this I still know about my own self that I could benefit from a really good therapist right now. I usually think that there really aren’t any of ‘those’ out there — but having this brochure lying here in front of me – I see that here is one that probably COULD help me, but I don’t have that chance.
I wish that therapy was free to those who could not afford it and really need the help. It seems so unfair. I know where I live we have a place that offers free services for those special cases. Its a group of different therapists who willingly donate their services. Thats incredible.You should contact this woman because you never know how she works. You can tell her your situation.But she is far! For a lot of people , therapy is just not affordable so the next best thing I would suggest is joining self help groups or sliding scale services. We also have community mental health services that offer free therapy as well.
Telling your story….
so important. You know that.
xoxo
The U.S. does not have socialized medicine – therefore, especially in rural areas, resources are very limited or nonexistent
I know..
I too would really encourage you to ring her and explain your situation. You never know what she might propose, how flexible she could be, what alternatives exist. (A few sessions at a discount?) (Some kind of barter?) Even if she says that the financial problem can’t be surmounted, at least you would have given yourself the openness to possibility. That’s what a daughter of a loving mother would do (I enjoy putting on that persona to make decisions, or thinking what would i advise my daughter…)
And it’s true that there is real suffering in the world, incredible poverty, illness, cruelty. And there is also psychological suffering, and you must honor your own– and sounds like it gives you compassion for others. Take care, Alchemynow.
Thanks for you words! I did call at agreed upon time last eve and therapist did not answer. A challenge for me in that fact alone — just a warning to self to not be so openly, absolutely trusting as I tend to be with people — maybe unrealistic expectations that they honor their word when they agree to something – especially given my tendency to ‘be’ vulnerable when contacting someone like this when I am ‘in need’.
She did not yet return the two messages I left her last eve, so I did just call and reach her. She said, “I am sorry. I did not have my cell phone turned on last night.” That’s NOT OK with me, really. I would NEVER do that to someone if I had agreed to speak to them at a certain time.
Not sure how to proceed. She was just now with a client and said she would call me back at 5 this eve. TRUST ISSUES? WHO? Daughters of BPD mothers??????
How is a person to work with a therapist who obviously cannot REALLY be trusted as I am ALREADY finding out? Forgive and forget? Pretend this treatment of me is perfectly OK? Give her the ‘benefit of the doubt’? All confusing at present with embedded opportunity to learn something I need to know.
I just wanted this to be clear and go smoothly!! ACKKKKK!!!
xoxox
Linda – alchemynow
3 p.m. NOTE TO SELF: What would I tell one of my much-loved children?? (EXCELLENT POINT!!)
FORGET THAT WOMAN, SHE CANNOT BE TRUSTED! She has already demonstrated that to me — perhaps she works fine for other people, but the message I already have is “This one is not for me.”
SO!! Proud of myself! I am contacting a different massage therapist who is in the town I live in, now that through this ‘other’ process so far I am much more clear on these points: (1) I need help!! (2) I need that help on the level of relieving severe physical trauma memories in my body (3) I think I know which technique I need but am open to a different therapist offering a different technique that can address what I believe I need. (4) I will NOT allow someone I cannot trust because they have shown themselves to not be trust-able to ME to touch me in any way!
YAY!!
if u can…I wanna hear all about that experience on friday Linda! U are so brave! I am much too timid to let that happen to me. Cry and wail in front of a strange…yikes! i would do the natural thing…SWALLOW it. while the tears are falling like a river. I hate letting myself go that way. ugh!
I am reaching desperation! Feeling as I do now is NOT how I wish to live! I have gained much confidence (I HOPE!) in my body’s wisdom — guided by the wisdom of my soul. I know I can’t continue on the book with my current fear of being hit headon with some horrendous body memory from the abuse. If one wants to make an appearance I want to give it (me) the safest possible place and way to do that.
I will be able to tell by how I feel if this ‘plan’ is working even if I feel nothing in particular during the massage treatments. I believe there are miracles of healing available to us – to me – and I am asking for that.
When that age 22 months body memory overwhelmed me I was shocked and amazed that something like that could ‘really’ happen to me! I KNOW I experienced probably uncountable brutal attacks. There is no possible way that I will ever be able to cope with those memories should they reappear.
I have great powers of dissociation. My memories are in the safest places possible — but they ARE in my body. I do trust that God can and will remove what He will — and will leave what I need to keep. I don’t know how this process is going to work — but given how low I feel right now, I am willing to sacrifice financially as much as I can manage — and willing to bravely (as I can) go down this avenue — to see if some new healing and goodness will be given to me.
When I did speak briefly to the woman, I could tell immediately by the hardship in her voice that (in my opinion for me personally) she is struggling too hard herself with her life to have what I need in a therapist to work with me. As she said, she is working three jobs as she tries to get her practice built up. Being a survivor of the kind of massive severe abuse that I suffered I KNOW that I need to be careful of myself and ALSO careful of any ‘therapist’ who might think they can cope with the traumas that happened to me. Most of them are NOT prepared to cope – and finding the ones that will admit this truthfully is not going to happen.
It helps me so much to know my brave, brave sisters are right here with me. Thank you, Monica, for this site and for your love — thank you all!! Linda (I will keep you posted on this next stage of my journey!)
My sweet Linda,
I thank YOU. If it wasn’t for you and your encouragement and support this blog would never have been. YOU not only encouraged me to start one…you worked with me every step of the way while I tried to figure out how to get set up. As I mentioned..I am afraid to try new things ..even though I really really wanted to do this type of thing. Thank you so much Linda. And I found you when I was searching for info on Mothers of Borderline daughters. I was horrified by your stories…but blown away by your compassion, your incredible insight, and your intelligence. (I still have a hard time making it through some of your detailed articles …when you try to explain research..) You are brillant! I have learned a lot about how neglect and abuse of infants and children affect the brain. Your blog has a wealth of info.
But more importantly ..in your blog I found YOU!
xoxoxox
Monica
3:30 pm – “New” massage therapist (male – no problem with that fact for me) returned my call nearly immediately. Warm and friendly, very knowledgeable, has a technique designed for emotional release, is well trained for anything that might ‘come up’ – $60 per hour but local which saves me $20 on gas – a go for first appointment this Friday at 2.
Now, my only other decision – if the other woman calls back as she said she would at 5 tonight, what will I tell her? My truth? Can’t see the useful point to that – and I am way too ‘nice’ usually to brave that route!?!?! I owe her nothing.
thanks for listening, friends! very much!! Often things that seem like they ‘should’ be so simple are, for me, so very complicated. I have to say that — my BPD mother gave me a COMPLICATED LIFE!
OK – last note – 4:41 pm — How to respond to woman when she called? With compassion but at the same time knowing I took perfect care of myself and just said ‘No’.
Wow, this latest news is great! I trust you are “in good hands”. I’ll be checking in over the weekend because I too wanna read all about it! Blessings for peace to you Linda!
I still encourage contacting the potential therapist. She could have a sliding scale she doesn’t advertise or maybe you go once and then do sessions by phone afterwards or maybe a wealthy client will start a scholarship fund, we don’t don’t know all the information yet. Meanwhile I am trying to figure out how to tell the story because it’s the root of all stories, hmmm.
If you see a new gravatar here, it’s me with my grandbaby last spring.
congrats..beautiful baby!
How about when you started to feel that your mom was different than other mothers…what impact did than have on u then? where was your dad? You can write about anything! Any time period.
xo
I didn’t really start to get it til my first baby was born. My mother had always been different because she was extraordinarily attractive, the cool hippie chick mom, ya know? But her reaction to my baby was unemotional, just cracking jokes about how he looked. At the time I thought it was because my own birth had been so horrible, she couldn’t deal with the idea of birth at all. Hence the story of my birth as follows.
I am about 11 or 12 yrs. old on a Sunday morning & my mom is reading the paper. “Oh… Dr. T just died… oh wow…. the bastard!”. Mom who is that? “He’s the doctor I had when you were born and he was just a bad doctor.” What did he do? “He was late getting to the hospital and I panicked so they strapped me down while I screamed and begged them not too. They gave me narcotics that made me even more hysterical. It was just awful. I woke up the next day and a nurse just shoved you at me and said “feed her” and left me alone not knowing what to do. It was so awful”.
It doesn’t matter how much of the story is true, at 11 yrs old it simply confirmed what I already suspected: I was somehow the cause and soother of pain, her pain particularly. This is primarily what I am still working on/playing with. I was NOT created to bring pain to Earth!! I was created to have fun and bring fun to others. Yay Me!
Denise, its amazing how the things we are told as children stick to us and then sadly often have a way of defining us. I hope u realize that her comment was made out of her immaturity (stupidity).WE need to tell ourselves that our mothers were just the vechicle that God used to bring us into the world and that we are fantastic!
Thanks for your generous offer to share our stories! I hardly know where to begin, so I’ll just make a list of some significant highlights/points. I would love to hear from anyone reading if they share any of them.
* My mother was the second of eight children in a poor, dysfunctional family.
*My father was one of two children born into a wealthy, educated family.
* My mother showed symptoms of a disturbed personality early on. I know this from stories she has told me as if they were completely normal, even though a normal person would know she was crazy.
*My father was/is an alcoholic, passive man, juvenile, puppet to my mother, and sexually inappropriate with his children.
*I have one sister who is still deeply enmeshed with our parents.
* Although I have 17 cousins and a large extended family, we were gradually estranged from all of them as I grew up, until we had no one.
*My unmarried great aunt was my surrogate grandmother and some time surrogate mother. Her love helped me to survive. At the age of 12 I was forbidden to see her ever again.
*I had good friends with good parents who invited me over often. I don’t know what anyone knew because I didn’t have bruises on my body, only on my soul.
*I was diagnosed with celiac disease as a toddler after nearly dying from malnutrition. I was put back on gluten a couple of years later and spent the rest of my childhood ill and malnourished. My father once confessed that my mother would kick me as I lay on the floor, mainly because I was a burden.
*At 16 I had a complete nervous breakdown and wanted to die. I decided I would fight for life on the day my mother told me she was okay with it if I killed myself.
*I married a good man who had two parents who were both foster children. Somehow we have managed to get educated, support one another and love and support our three children. We’ve been married now for 26 years.
*When I was 26 my sister married a man who love her very much. He was convinced that my parents were good people (having seen them twice). Just before the wedding, my mother unleashed her inner hag at my brother-in-law, and at the rest of us. When I saw his raw pain, I recognized in an instant what she had been doing to me for years, and I cut off all contact with her. It was terrifying, at first.
*Ten years later, I felt I had to try again with my parents, just to be sure that I wasn’t being unduly harsh. I lived on the other side of the country, which made it easier to maintain boundaries. My mother eventually reared her evil head again, and undermined my boundaries. When I resisted, she got really ugly, saying awful things about my husband and two children. One day on the phone I told her I was expecting my third child. She called me a “**!?* baby machine.” That was it for me. I’ve had no contact since and it has now been 11 years.
*Now, as our parents are aging (not well, as you can imagine), my sister is ruining her own life to make theirs better. I’m doing all I can for her, but it is a very difficult time for her.
*My daughters don’t know everything, but they do know that my parents were abusive.
As I said in an earlier comment, my inner life and outer life don’t always match very well. On the surface I function well, while on the inside I am in some measure of pain … always. Sometimes it is minimal; at other times it seems to echo inside of me over and over. Healing is a life long journey.
I wish I had a magic wand to wave and heal all the daughters of borderline mothers. My memories are very detailed. I even have memories of being in the crib. I think a traumatic life either gets etched in great detail, or forgotten. My sister hasvery few memories, and I am haunted by them. Very strange.
Oh yes, I should tell you that I had a wonderful counselor for two years when I was in university. It was free, thank goodness. The woman was fantastic and very forthright. She validated me over and over, and helped me with practical stuff. She came along at just the right time, and because of her, I knew I wasn’t crazy.
I wish all the daughters of borderline mothers peace, healing, and joy.
Thankyou so much for sharing Cathrin. It sounds like your mother was also physically abusive and your dad abusive as well. So sorry for you. And to have ur mother say”go ahead…kill yourself..she’s okay with it??” that is just sick!
It is amazing how u have such detailed memories while ur sister doesnt. You remember yourself in the crib!
I am so sad for you …what you lived through but so happy you had help at the university! thank God!
I totally relate to the way you described the feeling differnt on the inside versus the outside! People think I am funny, outgoing etc. I am in the helping profession for goodness sake and I am a group facilitor of 2 groups…you have to be ON!!!! There is no room for depression or sadness.
Thanks again for sharing!!
xoxox
and Cathrin also as I read a bit about your life..I think how can you NOT have a deep sense of sadness within. It never goes away.
Thats the unfair part isnt it? I could not wait to grow up and get out and have my own family. I didnt know that it would haunt me into my adult years.
Thank you for writing that. It really is powerful to hear other people, I wish you strength on your journey and the ability to feel the love of people in your current life, and to validate yourself as a thriving survivor, even when you don’t feel thriving.
Monica, it’s interesting that you are in the helping profession. I am not now, but I have been, and I’m always drawn to it somehow, even if in a volunteer capacity. I think it helps to help others. It’s good to be connected to other people. It’s my connections to my family, friends, and community that have saved me. I realize that in my story, I give the impression that my mother was volatile, which she was. But she also has a fearful waif side. She’s full of fears, and really helpless in the sense that she has never participated fully in society — no job, friends, etc. She was only violent with her husband and children, and eventually other relatives. She never showed that to anyone else, except I knew that it wasn’t really safe to bring friends to our house.
Thank you very much for your sympathy. I’m sorry to make you feel sad. I’m happy now, and the grief doesn’t overwhelm me. I’m sure you can see why I went no contact. I don’t feel guilty about that anymore.
Thanks for listening:)
Did u say that ur sister still has contact? I also think its good that you live so far away..that helps. Do you remember her being violent with you? U talked about the incident that your dad described where she was “kicking” you. That sounds like a very very sick woman. Usually the volatile ones are the fearful ones….anger and fear often go hand in hand I think in BPD. My mother was volatile…and I believe this fear made her more furious…fear was of being abandoned. She was so afraid of that ..that she would act in desperate and crazy ways when she felt threatened.
You mentioned you had a loving aunt. You were forunate for that. About having friends over…I did have my girlfriends over when my mother was single and she was not in a relationship. That didnt last long. My mother could NOT stand to be alone. What really used to bug me…is that all my friends thought my mother was so cool…so beautiful,..it made me sick!
But for the most part no one came over. I couldn’t invite a boyfriend over ( not that I really had the self confidence to have a boyfriend)..I was too ashamed of how I was living. Plus her behavior was sp unpredictable. I never knew when she would explode. I was so so ashamed! This is a big one..I think that sense of shame..her shame became in a way my shame. Cuz…she was MY MOTHER> I came from crazy land. Also such secrecy…pretending. I didnt like highschool for that reason. It was such an acting job!
I was so miserable at home…and yet as a teenager you want to be liked and have friends so I was smiles and laughs.
Went to my high school reunion not long ago… I had such mixed feelings!!!! I wanted to yell at all of them and say…”you had no idea..that I was dying at home did you?” but I didnt. I laughed and smiled and ..what else is new?
Cathrin, When you said you had a nervous breakdown at 16..what do you mean? Those years for me were the worst and I was a complete mess. I am suprised I got threw it…but you see, I didnt have one but the chaos ,the breakdown STAYS with you. I dont think I had the option to have one. I hated those years. They were awful.
I bet I was/am fortunate that I was so totally NUMB during my teen years — did NOTHING but survive. HELL! We all lived in HELL!!
Hi all,
Sorry for replying so late in the month. I got caught up in work and haven’t been by. I’m catching up on all the comments and feel a very good connection to this group.
About the nervous breakdown at 16 … I have a hard time trying to figure it out. It was a combination of breakdown in physical health (needing to be gluten free) and depression. I was nearly catatonic and lived in my bedroom for six months. I quit high school. I wouldn’t return phone calls. My mother tried to push me down the stairs. My friend’s mother got me a social worker who was swamped with more obviously abused kids. I tried to get into an alternative school for troubled teens and was told I wasn’t troubled enough. I ended up in a psychologically abusive relationship with a guy three years older.
Sorry. It goes on and on. By then my beloved aunt was deceased and my father’s family didn’t want anything to do with “us.” My mother had already burned her bridges with her family. I was lumped in with my destructive parents and began to be shunned by neighbors, etc.
I don’t know if I said this already, but I’m a Canuck, too, Monica. It’s an aside, but it’s kind of cool.
I think your situation with a cool, pretty mom was tough because who would believe that she was abusive? You probably had a hard time convincing yourself that she really was/is. The fact that deep inside you know you were hurt by her is all that matters. Just as sin is sin, pain is pain.
Cathrin,
You have suffered so much. I am so sorry for that. I am sickened that your mother tried to throw you down the stairs. I have no other words about that except how sorry I am and how awful it must have been to be living in such an environment. To have been severly depressed like that and not have someone really HELP you out is ….again..no words.
I know what that kind of depression looks like,although I have never been in that catatonic state ..I have seen my brother in it and it is very scary. Its as if you are completely detached from yourself and the world. I hope that social worker as busy as she was did help in some way..but I know that we always think that other cases are worse than our own. But reading yours…especially by todays standard is abusive and you should have been helped or removed.
I wanted to badly to be out of my environment and thought about calling social services myself. I may have even called myself but probably never followed through. Its too bad you got “lumped in” as part of the crazy family title. I remember trying so hard to prove to my family(extended) that I was NORMAL and she was the crazy one.
They always saw her as crazy I think but still maintained contact . However she was also known to be a “big mouth and trouble maker” as she would repeat one thing to another family member.
My friends thought she was cool but I dont think teens are mature enough to even fathom what abuse is..especially if they themselves come from sheltered homes. My mother would not fit the picture. She was just…cool…open…funny. (ugh…to me completely inappropiate). Even yesterday…I was with my cousins and aunts and a lot of family because her sister just passed away. She was acting her usual self…no filter,,half trying to be funny I think..anyways one younger cousin remarked..”I love your mother..she is so funny!”
She just speaks without thinking. She asked my cousin who has had some issues with drug abuse if he was still doing cocaine and smoking drugs. This was while we were all sitting nicely mourning the death of his grandmother! It started where she was sitting next to my daughters and telling them…he used to take drugs.” I am going to ask him if he still does.” I heard my daughters say” No grandma!! dont !!” Well..that just gets her going! She gets right into it! Leans over and opens up her big mouth! Drives me crazy. I found myself saying sorry for her behavior. My family said that I should not do that. Its not my behavior but hers!!
Anyways I NEVER had a hard time convincing myself that she was abusive or unstable. Ever! I knew that from the time I was young!!!
I can also see what you have cuts ties.
What do u find today are your most difficult issues ? Big question eh?
You said you work etc. I have struggled with anxiety and have had to take work that is not too stressful. How do you manage? I had a job that was stressful and I had to leave it and find the one I am in today. Plus…I work part time.
I get overwhelmed very easily. You?
I wonder if other daughters also feel this way?
thanks again for sharing
xo
Monica
Hi Everyone. I want to write “my story” and post it here, and thank you Monica for creating this space!
Just wanted to ask everyone– have you see the film “The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds?” I really recommend it as a (painful, grueling) portrait of a Borderline mother and her daughters struggling to grow up. I used to identify with it very intensely, and personally, but now i see the portrait as pertaining to “borderline” in general, with a touch of alcoholism (which was there for my mother too).
Thanks for writing pseudonym. I never saw the film and now I want to see it. The only film I have ever seen that portraited a BPD mother was the famous “mommy dearest”. I encourage you to write your story. It really helps others to read that they are not alone and its a good therapeutic tool to use for yourself. Take as much space as you want,
xo
Monica
There’s another movie Jessica Lange plays actress Francis Farmer in (movie: “Frances”) – hit me HARD when I first saw it — A BORDERLINE MOTHER IF THERE EVER WAS ONE – and the control she had over Francis – and absolute creepy flick but SO SUBTLE in the portrayal of BPD –
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083967/
What I am finding healing right now is to se a show where good triumphs eventually (mostly) over the evil Witch Queen in Once Upon A Time. I’ve been watching on abc.com.
Wow. Your blog always pulls a lot of emotion out of me. The quote at the top was truly touching.
You commented a while back on one of my posts. It was one of the most thoughtful comments I have ever received!!! ( http://untitledmoments.com/2011/08/24/my-right-brain/ )
my story was untitled for so long… and many many moments are still that way. I am not certain but am pretty sure that mom has BPD. My father is Bi-polar and BPD.
For the past 10 years I have been stamped with PTSD and Bi-Polar. I now hear that I am far from Bi-Polar and that I have BPD and DID which are all because of the PTSD. I have three beautiful girls! I do not want them to be raised like my siblings and I. It is a journey. and I am scared a lot. I am learning how to deal with these ‘illnesses’ the best I can (DBT has been the most helpful tool)
My story is my blog… and the link above is how I tell my story best. My story someday will be told in full… there is so much that needs to happen in the real world of justice and safety. The day that is sealed away and I can tell the world in full… I can’t even begin to explain what that load will feel like once exhaled… until then… I just title the moments in between as best as I can…
You blog is beautiful! …Thank You for giving an opportunity for those to share their voice and read others!
~L
Thankyou so much L for your sweet and thoughtful words. I am so sorry to hear that you were raised by two mentally ill parents. I know you struggle with depresson as well. I am happy to hear that you have therapy available to you. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your girls.They will not grow up the way you did. You are also a very talented and creative person! I am glad to see you are using your gifts through your blog.
I wish you comfort and peace,
Monica
xo
Thank you again for your kindness:) You are an inspirations to others:)
~L
thanks L,
what a kind thing to say.
xo
~L,
When I was in counseling years ago, and terrified at the thought of being a mother in case I ended up being like mine, my counselor told me that the fact that I was so concerned was a sign that I would not be like my mother. She also said one of the signs of a healthy parent is one who is able to say sorry to her children. I’m not talking about wishy washy, no-discipline parenting, but just being able to admit to making mistakes, and trying again.
From your comments you sound like someone who cares deeply about her impact on others. You seem so strong to have come through your circumstances. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Monica,
I’m replying again, but there wasn’t a reply option next to your last reply to my reply. I hope you follow that:)
About getting stressed easily. Yes, I do too. I’m functioning at way below my education. This is partly due to pulling out of the workforce to home school my girls for 12 years. Right now I’m doing freelance work at home. I recently had a lot to do. I have been struggling with whether to go back to work outside the house. This is also a huge deal for me. When I do volunteer work, or whatever I do with people outside of my family, it goes well and I feel good about my strengths. But the thought beforehand is horrible. My self-image has always been shaky, though it is getting better. I fit the asperger mold as well, and I don’t know whether this is due to my true “wiring” or whether it is the upbringing. I know exactly what you mean about the stress. I do yoga to help me relax. I know that massage could help, but like the comments above, the idea of a stranger’s hands on my body is truly terrifying.
It’s funny how our outsides are so different from our insides. I know this is true for lots of people, but for daughters of borderlines it’s even more so. My impression of you from this site is that you’re strong and have a well-put-together “public” self. All I can say is that now when I feel like a nervous wreck, I’ll think of all the other daughters out there and know that I’m not alone.
Yes…I understood about the reply button option. I noticed too that I cant always reply right after the comment. Doesnt matter ..just address the person and its fine:)
You homeschooled for 12 years!? Thats amazing. I knew people who were homeschooling and I always felt it was something I could not do. I was afraid I would be impatient and therefore…become a bad mother. I always thought that homeschooling mothers were mothers who were organized and could handle stress. Good for you!
What do you mean that u fit the asperger mold? can u eleborate? Guess I dont know what the mold is or even too much about it.(aspergers)
My self esteem is lousy but like you suspected I can conceal it well. Only my close friends know the inner battle of the mind. Like how I tell myself that I am stupid and people at work might find out! I honestly struggle with feeling stupid. I dont know where that came from…I know my mother used to make fun of my brothers stuttering ..but I dont remember being told I was stupid but perhaps it was implied.
I have to remind myself that I went to university and am a professional. ..but then a little voice says…”well you fooled them all!”
I can do great on interviews but once I have sold myself..all the fear and worry comes crashing through.. ie They will see u are a fraud. etc.
I have a good public self but to be honest as I have gotten older..I am allowing the cracks to appear and that is not just the physical cracks(ie wrinkesLOL) no..I am becoming more true to who I am.
I wonder if all daughters are nervous wrecks…though. I think it does also depend on our dispositions. I think I was already prone to be anxious and then I had my mother and the enviroment. I have met one daughter on line who is not anxious. Infact..she is a positive optimistic person. I asked her HOW?????
She told me that despite her mother and what she has been through..she always had an upbeat and positive personality. All I can say is…LUCKY HER!!!!
xo
Hullo, I can’t remember if this is my first post here or not but I just wanted to share my story a bit. Thanks for giving us the space! I’ve grown up with so little space of my own I think. I’ve already spoken a bit of the story and can’t quite face going over the details again today. I’m feeling really troubled tho over recent events in my life. I’m in therapy for the second time after going
through a traumatic year. A very close friendship got me in touch with a huge
amount of abandonment trauma which I wasn’t really aware of before. It’s a bit complicated but I was seeing a counselor last year for depression but a series of unfortunate events brought about a traumatic last session with her. For complex reasons she responded to me in a very (it seemed to me) rejecting way and I just reacted by turning into (I realise now) this little angry child. I talked differently, felt angry and afraid and demanding, even my posture was different. Now I’m rather scared that I have bpd myself – like my mother. The new psychologist I’m seeing asked if I have different people inside me – I’m such a people-pleaser that I do find myself responding differently. I definitely have problems with a fragmentation I think – and I think it’s going to be a long journey to finding out who I really am.
I’m just a bit terrified as to what’s wrong with me and feel really bad and negative about myself all the time.
I spose I just want to be heard hear and have people tell me if they’d had any similar feelings/ experiences.
Thanks
Hi Gingercat,
I have had a few interesting and painful experiences with psychologists myself.I had one where she once told me that she would be there for me and that I did not have anything to worry about. That enabled me to put my trust in her. She was an older lady…not too emotional and when I allow myself to get vulnerable and share my pain I place expectations on the person. Well…I cant remember what exactly happened…it was a long time ago when my kids were small but I just remember her leaving me a voice message on my answering machine…saying that it wasnt going to work out anymore..our time together. Now…I cant remember if it had to do my her feeling that I was not complying (she was a strict behaviorlist specializing in anxiety) or if it was a money issue. I just know I was very hurt by this. How professional was that?! but what I really felt was a deep sense of betrayal. The second time happened because I missed a session and the therapist (a different one) left me a rather cold message saying that I would be billed for the cancellation. This was after I felt close and comfortable in my relationship with this therapist. I liked her so much because she actually had demonstarted FEELINGS as I shared my story. She was crying! I felt a real connection with her because it appeared to be more than just a job…like she genuinely cared. So that message threw me into confusion and I found myself so angry. Also she had never informed me about the fact that I would be billed if I cancelled. Well, I reacted…and left her a message cancelling our sessions permanently and telling her a cheque for my missed session would be on the mail.She called me and after weeks..I finally agreed to meet with her and we talked things out.
I am recalling all of this to you because…therapy relationships are very fragile. Especially to us. We have all kinds of issues with trust and being vulnerable and we place perhaps unrealistic expectations on them.I forgot that this was her work, and was angry at her suddenly expecting to be paid!
I was also going to suggest that if you are confused about your diagnosis..why dont you have an assessment with a psychraist?
I remember being really fearful that I had BPD and perhaps other issues. I had a full assessment done .I have GAD.
Its NORMAL to feel at times fragmented when you are brought up with an unstable mother. Don’t be so hard on yourself..that will not help you in any way. Indentify your strengths and build on those!
xo
Hi Monica,
Thank you for telling me about your experiences. I can really relate to your feeling vulnerable and the trust difficulties. I’m so confused by my feelings sometimes because my therapist is so compassionate yet down to earth which is great. But I find it so hard to respond when she’s empathic – I keep wondering when she’s going to find out how ‘bad’ I really am and then respond like that counselor who just wanted me out of her office. The empathy makes me feel guilty – like I don’t deserve it and scared – when will it end. So I definitely understand about problems with trust!
You were brave to go back and talk things out with that other therapist. I like how you said that “therapy relationships are very fragile. Especially to us. We have all kinds of issues with trust and being vulnerable and we place perhaps unrealistic expectations on them”. This is so how I feel and it’s so good to know others feel the same. I’ve gone around my whole life feeling a bit crazy, overdramatic etc and everyone else seemed to have it normal (maybe there were some who didn’t and just looked good). It’s the weirdest, craziest thing to live as if what our mothers did was normal – and it’s not. How can we trust our own feelings when a) our mothers are living in their own abnormal reality and b) other normal people don’t pick up on it. I still second guess myself all the time. I even laugh at my mother’s abuse and crazy thinking sometimes cos I can’t bear to feel sad or angry.
I have wondered about GAD too – my friend often used to joke that worrying gave me the illusion that I was at least doing something.
Well, your therapy experiences must’ve been so painful – I’m so glad you had the courage to keep going and to look after yourself when few if any people in your life did. I hope you had some good help.. well, I guess this blog is evidence of that!
Thank you,
X
Hello Gingercat! As I read comments here I find myself wondering if responders are quite a bit younger than I am. I just turned 60. There is no reason for my blind optimism that somehow younger generations were spared the worst Borderline mothers can dish out! Why would they be recognized ‘now’ any more than when I was growing up in the 1950-60s range?
The more people talk about life with BPD mothers the more hopefully EVERYONE will come to understand how this disease operates – and maybe people can begin to recognize what’s happening to infants and children with these parents NOW! Such a challenge!!
I have worked my way through the specific abuse memories I have from my childhood with psychotic mother — it has taken me half of my life, beginning when I was 29, to find any solid ground of my own to stand on to view what happened to me my first 18 years of life with any confidence and understanding.
So maybe my words can be some little ray of light, of hope, at the end of the long tunnel we go through as survivors toward ‘finding out self’.
In the center of every memory I have, and one goes back to being maybe 5-9 months old in the crib, another at 22 months, etc.
In every one of these memories I can finally go back inside of myself and find myself, as I so often put it, in the center of me, in the center of my experience of my own self in the world, with that little person (and eventually big person thru middle childhood into teens) — there I was so NOT buying into the madness of mother’s world, so powerless to change what happened to me from the outside of my world — but inside standing SHINING and very very clear about what I knew from my OWN point of view!
Most importantly to me, in a very clear and rational, good, pure, innocent — and again I will say CLEAR way (I believe this was my SOUL knowing) – I knew Mother was WRONG in what she said happened, in what she said I did — very important because Mother’s PSYCHOTIC side of her BPD was entirely focused on me as the ‘devil’s evil child’.
Also so important to me is to realize that the self I have always been, and can see in the center of all the horrible abuse that was done to me — was NOT EMOTIONAL!! I was NOT affected at my core self by anything mother did or said. Of course great great great immeasurable sadness was built into my growing body-brain and will only leave in tiny steps — and thru great miracles of God’s grace and healing if I ask and He sees fit to remove the injury impacts — and a great sensitivity to TERROR which is all a part of my BODY’S memories of being alive in a malevolent, toxic world.
It took me nearly 30 years of healing work to find that rock solid clear good stable curious untouched wise and very RATIONAL self of ME in the middle of all that happened, of all that I consciously remember.
Of course I believe such a person is present in everyone who suffered such kinds of malevolent trauma and tragedy during their infancy and childhood. I think my mother, my abuser (and even my father as her enabler) lost the ability to FIND their own little person.
The great risk of this happening is that when we are very tiny we have no rational actual thinking ability, cannot use words, etc. But on a spiritual level, our soul knows exactly what is going on. I did not lose the ability to clearly know RIGHT FROM WRONG — an ability my soul was created with. Nothing that happened to me masked IN MY BODY the ability I was born with to know exactly what I knew inside all the abuse that happened to me — that NONE of it had a SINGLE THING to do with ME!!!!!
Now I deal with serious reoccurring major depression, PSTD, hyper startle response, inability to tolerate noise, social groups, heightened anxiety, dissociation in all its phases including DID without identities, etc. I am on disability for all of this — but ME? WHO I am — versus HOW I am in this trauma formed body — is strong and clear and good and wise and very rational and NOT emotionally swayed by any of the horrors I have been thru.
I didn’t know I was going to write all of this to you, dear Gingercat, but here I have done so! There is great possibility for quantum healing. This does NOT need to take 30 years any longer. I began my healing journey before BPD was even identified or had a name. Certainly long before the internet! We can grow very fast and heal even faster with the great assistance of the resources available to us now! So glad you are here and WRITING! all the best with love, Linda – alchemynow
I have learned so much from you Linda. You are an inspiration and a good friend.
I love you!! You in my life = GIFT and BLESSING!
Maybe a little off topic for here, but if you can find this book and READ it! deeply impacted my life 30 years ago. Woman who told me about it would not let me read it (it’s only 32 pages) but insisted it is a story one woman needs to read to a sister/other woman
by Charlotte Perkins Gillman – “The Yellow Wallpaper”
it is listed as one of the 500 top book written by women
++
and if you have never watched this movie, see if you can:
The Stepford Wives
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stepford_Wives
and its followup, “The Revenge of the Stepford Wives”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revenge_of_the_Stepford_Wives
sexism harms women. It is abusive. It affected our mothers. It affects us. If we let it!
sending LOVE!
HI Alchemynow,
I’m turning 38 this month – and like some of the others here I’m bracing myself for ‘celebrating’ with my mother. Ja, I guess that one of the issues in abused families is the generational aspect of it and because of it the ‘gate-keeping’/ reinterpretation or dismissal of information. I mean bpd and its transmission.. I definitely felt like I was isolated from more informed people by my mother and father – I think it’s because they themselves found it so difficult to be in social gatherings or of course maintain relationships in my mother’s case. My Dad may be avoidant pd. It’s such a weird disorder (bpd) I’m so glad that the internet is helping bring people in touch with it – what a way to inform and this will bring change and has in the lives of the women here, yay!
It must’ve been so ‘lights on’ for you when bpd ‘became’ a disorder and you discovered it. I feel like lights are going on for me and it’s so great to not feel I’m alone anymore.
I’m so inspired by you. You’ve gone through so much and I am so glad for you that you have been able to take the reigns and through knowledge and piecing things together get here. I am having depression too and I spose sometimes we can feel like we’ve taken steps back. But we haven’t. Recently my cousin said that she feels like she ‘deals’ with something only to find that it’s right back there in her face. I said that it’s not a linear progression, it’s cyclical and I sort of imagine our progress being like a spiral. So, yes, the issues come back but on a whole new level to deal with. Which is how we deal with tough things.
I’m so glad you shared that about how your core self was not affected. I LOVE how you describe youself shining.
I can’t see my shining self yet because I just don’t yet know myself.. Feel rather shut off from myself BUT: I ‘met’ my little person recently and she’s special…
X
Linda I just love this writing. I am doing breathing and strengthening my physical core and somehow I missed the obvious: my intact emotional core needs to be given attention at the same time. Thank you!
Artsy, it is such a pleasure to know you are HERE and doing wonderfully – really! Hope you are super PROUD of yourself! xoxo
Gingercat & Monica, yes I have an angry inner child that needs soothing and I think all of us do to some degree. The difference with BPD is that the angry inner child is running her life and trying desperately to run everybody else’s life. One time I drew a picture of my inner voices and I also found that I had an inner teenager, a judge, a critic, a rebel, a baby, an artist, a wise woman, and a higher self.
Those critical voices for me came from my narcissistic father and his family. “you’re a fraud” is what the narcissist believes about himself even if they don’t say that exact thing, projection of belief about oneself onto another can be very powerful even when done silently!! Hugs to y’all
Hi there Artsy! I did a post on my blog last weekend about verbal abuse
+HAZARDOUS WASTE DISPOSAL POST FOR VERBAL ABUSE – CANCER-CELL-WORD-THOUGHTS – DUMP ‘EM HERE!
at
http://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/hazardous-waste-disposal-post-for-verbal-abuse-cancer-cell-word-thoughts-dump-em-here/
Perhaps you might like to visit, read and comment there – just a thought – with love! Linda – alchemynow
above post followed these:
+A NARROWING PINHOLE OF LIGHT – Borderline Personality Disorder, Mother and ME at
http://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/a-narrowing-pinhole-of-light-borderline-personality-disorder-mother-and-me/
+BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER MOTHERS AND OFFSPRING: IDENTIFYING THE CANCER-CELL THOUGHTS!! at
http://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/borderline-personality-disorder-mothers-and-offspring-identifying-the-cancer-cell-thoughts/
+CANCER-CELL THOUGHTS IN COMMON WITH ALL VERBAL ABUSE at
http://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/cancer-cell-thoughts-in-common-with-all-verbal-abuse/
Hi artsy
but I mean of course that it’s not really crazy, it’s a result of some traumas. It’s nice to finally stop blaming myself (work in progress) for these thoughts and somewhat fragmented self.
I’m soo glad to have found this blog – I was really desperate these last few weeks/months. I feel like all the ‘craziness’ in my head is being validated. I spose that doesn’t sound good
It’s so strange and I’m so glad you said that about what narcissists secretly believe and project. I’ve lately been worrying that because I’ve got these different aspects of myself that this means I’m not who I thought I was – whatever that was(!) I am really sorry you grew up with a narcissist as well, that is pretty scarey to contemplate. I have such strong blaming voices and judge, critic. I just have moments of believing I’m bad – and this has really become an issue since last year. I was always the good/ ok one – liked more than my mother by people – so I’m finding it rather hard now to deal with not being the ‘ok’ one! She used to get upset when I was liked more and upset when I wasn’t ok! Sometimes it’s a relief tho… to finally acknowledge the yukky hurt stuff. Thanks for that. x
By the way I found this blog through Linda’s blog Stop the Storm. Big thank you Linda.. I’ve just been reading some posts here and it sounds like there are a lot of people with really tough pasts and yet they have a lot of compassion..
I feel so despairing and depleted at the moment yet there is a bit of hope – if you ladies can talk about things, support each other and be kind to yourselves then I can too!! Have a lovely day..
From the daughters that I have spoken to..most if not all demonstrate tremendous kindness and compassion.
ps. I love Linda!
Good morning Gingercat, Monica and Ladies! I am up way before the sun, but at least it was 4:30 not 2:30 – being grateful for the small things as well as the big ones — !!
Something came to memory, G as I read your words. I had a therapist one time describe healing work in terms of a beautiful lacy doily. She said the beauty in the doily comes from both the tightly crocheted areas and the open loose ones combined together. She said that’s like the hard-work tough times for us and then we have the open ‘resting’ spots. I’ve never forgotten that image!!
This also reminds me of my middle daughter (who is expecting her 2nd Aug 5th and who is turning 36 in June). When she was 3 weeks old and I was breastfeeding her sitting on our old wool couch that had a large lace doily spread along the back of it. I raised the baby up to my shoulder to pat her back to burp her. As I turned my head to see her little face behind me I saw her tiny finger was reached out and was tracing the patterns of the lace!
Both of these are lovely images for me. I would not be thinking of them right now if you hadn’t commented here – thanks!
And BOY did my Mother not do friendships!! So, of course, neither did Father, neither did our family. Mother made sure we moved from suburbian Los Angeles to Alaska when I was almost 6 – and then off to a mountain homesteading adventure we went. Isolation, continual moving mayhem and madness – such trauma drama!!
Yep, you are 22 years younger than I am and still nobody evidently knew what was going on in your home – really – any more than they did in mine. But you are also HERE 22 years earlier than I am! WONDERFUL!!! Lots of reason for BIG HOPE — and for times of gentle rest for yourself as well as for work in between. We are birthing ourselves!
Oh, and one more idea — if you can find one memory of yourself as a little person – looking at the younger end of you childhood — and then VISIT that memory as if you are visiting your most favorite place, your most favorite person in the universe. Not aggressively, but gently — and repeatedly. Write the memory, draw the memory, make up a little song and sing the memory. Tell someone the memory if that is comfortable. And each time listen for your voice in the center of the memory. Search for your eyes, to see yourself.
Don’t force, don’t push, don’t rush. It’s kind of like waiting quietly in the wilderness for a beautiful wild creature to show itself to you. It’s like ‘self whispering’!!!
I personally believe when our early life is so troubled and traumatic, so chaotic, that it very much is like a terrible storm. Always in crisis. Always unsafe and confused, and worse. We end up leaving the beauty that WAS there because WE were there, behind us. I most appreciate that in my work I have been able to clear a pathway through the terrible rubble so I could find perfect ME in there SHINING!
Anyway, have a blessed and happy gentle day!!!!! Linda – alchemynow
[...] few predawn gentle thoughts from a comment I left on my friend, Monica’s great blog – Daughters of Borderline Moms — just [...]
Hi everyone, I’ve been appreciating this blog for only a month or even less but it seems like ages. I’ve read many posts here
And still can’t get used to the feeling that I’ve found a ‘home’ where we can share similar feelings and experiences. Its haelping
Me get through a very difficult patch. People who have written about their pasts are very very brave.
Its taken me a bit of time to get used to sharing and being ‘visible’ here. Today is the day to share my story, hope it helps
Someone too. Thanks Monica for giving us a place to share and grow. And thanks for all your writing and insights.
I’m still in touch with my mother. Just initiated lowish contact after a time of wonky boundaries. I’m in therapy for 2nd time
- forst bout was 3 years and my therapist had to move away. That was sad tho she preped me. Last year I had some emotional
Flashbacks to childhood trauma specifically around rejection and abandonment so I’m very glad to be in therapy again.
I’m finding myself feeling bit shut down emotionally this week and from experience I link that to my upcoming visit from my
Mother. I feel extra vulnerable because next week is my birthday which means attention and phone calls. I find that tho I’d love
Attention I’m afraid of it because I expect others to get angry with me when I get it. Can you relate?
My mother has been married and divorced 4 times, I have an older brother and a few other siblings from her and my Dad’s next wife.
But always felt like an only child. My mother has definitely a history of unstable relationships, sexual conquests too which lead to my
Dad’s divorcing her. I was 4 and he got custody, blackmailing my mother in a way for me. My brother stayed with her and I wasn’t
Allowed to see her for a bit. During this time he met my stepmother who has always resented me – as the reason for difficulties in their
Relationship. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I was with them for a few years. My mother also got remarried and got
Custody back eventually. My history is about a lot of change and I was basically neglected. My Dad is reserved, doesn’t like touching and
Always trying to keep the peace with my stepmother. It seemed that there was no safe place ever – each household was sad, full of tension.
My fondest memories are of my dog and an old aunt who used to visit me.
I remember being very angry and sad most of the time. My mother did the
‘right’ things – taking me for counseling – until she found someone who agreed that there
Was something wrong with me – a learning difficulty which meant repeating grades.
But it also gave her an excuse to move countries to find me help.
So we left dear dog, aunty and Dad. I spent the next years visiting. I’ve been to about 7 schools – I’m sure people here can
Relate to constant moving and goodbyes.
What stands out for me – is that I learnt to be kind to my mother – which meant putting
Her needs befor mine and always feeling empty because I was never ‘seen’ by
Her. She just can’t see others or understand them.
There’s a great sense of isolation in the experiences of many of us I think. I’m challenging
This gently in myself and accompanying thoughts that I’ve grown
Up having: unlovable, unworthy etc also trying to find a self that
Didn’t have a chance to grow since my mother didn’t reflect
Anything but actually asked for affirmation from me.
People who haven’t had these experiences don’t understand the underlying strands and almost
Invisible strangeness of our childhoods. In many cases its not just
Our dysfunctional mothers we have contended with, its silent, uninvolved fathers, abusive step mothers
An uninformed public, resentful, hurting siblings etc. So right now I’m comforting and encouraging myself for slightly connecting with the
Occasional person and for making the strides I have taken – I hope you are too!
Others may not realise the enormity of our strides – even
Taking a phone call in a calm way for instance.
I still battle with fear of faces – expressions, friends leaving and goodbyes in general.
But I get so excited to see posts and hear from others with similar stories. Its a huge comfort.
X
It is a big comfort to find people with similar stories because you know that they understand because they have experiemced many of the same feelings and struggle to make sense of it today. That is exactly why I wanted to blog. I knew I needed to. I grew up feeling very shamed by my mothers behavior (she beat ur mom in the marriage department…she was married six times) and feeling like I was the only one with such a crazy and embarrsing home.
Feeling invisable is a common feeling when your needs are put last…because the message it gave us growing up is exactly the thing we struggle with today. I am not worth much. I am unlovable. I am ugly. I am in the way. People dont want me around…I am not wanted. and on and on .
When I connect with others who understand my feelings…I am recieving affirmation for my feelings. Something we were never given. Our feelings were brushed under the table. With BPD mothers its always about them and its the others who are causing all the problems. they just cant self reflect one bit. NOT ONE BIT!
I am sure pople can relate to having mean step mothers or fathers. What do u expect from a perosn who has no insight in how relationships work. I would think both parents choose partners with issues.
My step mother was totally insensitive to anything I was going through at the time.She also did not have children so that didnt help..she had no motherly instinct at all. However..she did change when I was an adult.she also had been abandoned by her own father.also maybe when i was a child ..it could have triggeredstuff from her own relationship with the father who abandoned her..who knows.
your question about feeling strange about people paying attention to you and wondering if we can relate…in my personal experience.. I have difficulty when people give me gifts. I get weird and feel almost ashamed that they bought me something.
In terms of people..I had the hardest time as a young adult talking to adults. I had a lot of fear that I was bothering them when I had to speak on the phone. I would always ask them if they were busy…feeling like I was wasting their time.I am much better now..but its taken a very long time. Gingercat, I dont know how old you are or if you have a family of your own.
Thx for sharing…
xo
I just read above..you mentioned ur age.
xo
hello. i foud this site through the blog stop the storm. i am slowly reading bits and pieces there and here. i guess i just want a place to connect and the people here seem compassionate and understanding.
i’m sort of new to reflecing on my parents and their perspective as i’ve spent most of my adult life till now just trying to get by. i’ve gotten some therapy help thankfully for my issues but being in poverty has limited that and haven’t focused on them (the parents) so much as the effects of what they did.
not entirely sure whether my mother was borderline or not.
i do know that both of my parents were abusive.
i feel fairly certain i could say my father fits the narcissitic pd reading about it. i feel less certain about what diagnosis fits my mother. to be honest, i never thought about her as borderline because borderline fits in my mind with the kind of off the wall rages my father engaged in (maybe he was borderline i’m not really sure)…my mother would go into stony silences. yet, reading some things on the blog stop the storm and reading pieces of stories here…a lot of it does fit my mother and so i think there’s a possbility here i shoudl at least continue to look into so i can understand and work through this slowly i hope.
life is so hard and i feel so alone a lot of the time . it is so meaningful to find places like these to reflect and connect with others with similar histories.
I am happy u found both blogs. Linda from stop the storm is a very compassionate person and an inspiration because she endured horrific abuse at the hands of her mother. I always give her the credit for this blog coming from her push..remember I hate to try new things.
YOu must be very wounded having grown up with mentally ill parents. As one blogger just reminded me.. we have the ability to be different and make a choice.
I would do some reading on the different type of BPD. There is a wide spectrum. I can only talk from my experience but some of the bpd bloggers seem to be able to recognise their behavior and how it affects others..the ability to change is questionable. My mother has no ability to recognise her behavior it is always someone else fault.
Both of your parents sound ill .
I am sorry to hear how tough it is for you.
what age are u?
Even if u dont have the money now for counselling..there are other resources like reading and connectingb with others.
You will always find a friend here.
xo
Monica
Thanks Monica, I don’t have a family of my own but I love babysitting friends’ kids. Kids are so amazing – so in the present and open about their feelings. Yes, shame is a big base of what a lot of us have experienced. I hadn’t really thought about how big – sort of pervasive because we feel ashamed of our feelings – of having feelings and needs. I really relate to that feeling of people not wanting me around, being in the way, being a bother. Funny, I’d forgotten about gift-giving. I feel guilty when given a gift and I love giving them. I didn’t used to like giving gifts because for my stepmother it was proof that I loved her (pressure and lots of anger for me) and for my mother – it was impossible to find her a gift she liked most of the time. She tends to re-gift gifts she is given – like it doesn’t mean anything. Yet she expects them!
Yes, these people are so hurting and then hurt their kids. Sad but we also have a choice as my therapist says – for which I’m grateful. Feels like we can make little differences in ourselves and our lives. I like reminding myself of that.
Have a lovely weekend!
your therapist is right..we have a choice..love that reminder.
So sorry u had to go thru all of that. Those adults sound like children the way you couldnt make them happy.
have a nice weekend too
xo
Dear Monica and other brave people. I just wanted to say a little more on my story.
I don’t think its about details. I think its about surviving. When I posted my story here
I was feeling quite numb because I was so afraid – that I am exactly like my mother and
I was afraid of her at the same time of course. I have been jounaling a LOT, reading and
Looking at helpful forums. There is a lot of stuff on PDs that isn’t helpful and can harm
So be careful people. There’s a lot of anger out there – understandable but I don’t want to
Trigger my fears more so I steer away from those who vent without reflecting – just enraged
Outpouring.
This weekend was very painful because I came to accept some things. I celebrated my birthday
With my mother. Just so much became clear about her and how she is. Mentally ill.. Everything
Was and is about her. Family members are disapproving of my low contact terms with her – she
Has told them of course. I have parnoid fears about who I can trust – because they relay stuff to
Her because she is so ‘worried’ about me. Sometimes I feel so sorry for her because she can’t be
Different. Then I cry because I know she wants me to be ok because she derives her ‘ok-ness’ from
That and our relationship. I ‘hide’ myself when I’m with her because I almost feel she is so hungry she
Will take my interests and thoughts for herself somehow. it is very sad because I know what kind of
Parenting she had..
Anyway, the best I can do right now is to keep boundaries and get some healing in. I love the below quote:
There is something you must always remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. —Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh.
Xx
Happy Birthday Gingercat,
i agree with that quote. You are braver,stronger and smarter.
xo
Hi Monica, your blog is mushrooming! Seems like we haven’t talked in ages, I’m zig-zagging around the site trying to catch up with everybody as I have a new room mate and am helping her settle in. She’s a pro chef who does home cooking to self soothe anxiety, don’t you feel sorry for me? Ha! I don’t know where best to post so I’m just gonna pray everybody has email notification for the site. Thanks Monica again for this blog. Ok, here goes:
Linda! Love your “DUMP ‘EM HERE” blog page. I’ll get there. I need to!
Gingercat, your Feb 19 post experiences so similar to mine: my mom used to start half our conversations with “I’ve been so worried about you” and then express her utter misery at being alive with all the drama she’s caused herself. Like you I sometimes worry at being like her especially when I blurt out a sentence that sounds like her (often silently but it’s still there). It’s not who we are, it’s just a tape we learned. We’ll get past it, I swear!!
K gotcha! Maybe try going to amazon.com and pressing the “look inside” option. I’ve read quite a bit that way. The BPD sites have changed their formats and I can’t find the one I preferred. Oh well, there’s lots of good stuff out there. Gretel Ellla’s The King and Queen site is also helpful reading. Praying for your healing and safety.
Goodnight Ladies xoxoxo Denise
thank you so much for your thoughts of healing and safety. also for the resources Denise. it means so much.sending you wishes of comfort, healing, and safety as well. much care to you Denise,
k
Hi Monica, Denise and all.
Reading your stories and
Insights is a major uplift
for me. I’ve learnt so much
from posts and gained
insights into my own story!
Its great that people are
willing to share. Thanks for
the birthday wishes!
Thanks denise, yes I often
feel a sense of shared experience when I read you posts.
My mother is waif and has other aspects. I’m struggling at the moment as these realizations
are still so new.
It did help a lot to write
those cancerous words on
Linda’s blog. Its weird when the bpd is so covert tho, harder to describe a feeling about
someone – like my mother’s
desire to consume me. Or my having to be perfect in order
to be valued by her yet not so perfect that I get attention for myself from others!
Crazy-making and often subtle.
And there are so many variations
In bpd – the physical and emotional abuse some have
had, I don’t think I could have coped with that. I catch myself also when I say things like her,
it doesn’t help that. We share superficial mannerisms.
I think a very important thing for daughters is to separate from engulfing mothers – we are different or we wouldn’t be posting here!
X
hi Gingercat, it’s nice to meet you. i hope you had a happy bday. that sounds so painfully difficult and confusing to try to walk that thin line of perfect enough yet not too perfect…it is crazy-making as you say…and the subtlety of it makes it even harder to pinpoint or work wtih….i
i’m so sorry for how engulfed you felt and the struggle to try and separate from that engulfment…i struggle with that too. my entire identity revolved around my parents. i too was engulfed by my father’s demands and needs and my mother’s needs and expectations with no chance to form anything separate…what you say about us beig different is important for me to remember and gives me something to hold onto. thannk you for your wisdom.
wishing you peace and healing on this journey-k
thank youfor your kindness Linda-it brought tears to my eyes.
i’m a lot younger, but yes i look around at people my agee and feel very old compared to them.
except…well sometimes i feel very very behind people my age–it’s strange. i feel very far behind them in some of the most basic areas of life…but in terms of my i guess mental or emotional age i’m not sure exactly, i feel so so old compared to them. i just feel disconnected in every way. either i’m too old or i’m too far behind them developementally but i never feel i fit in in any way.
what you say…it isn’t fair. after all you’ve been through, to feel so held back from even being able to get your own book about your own life out there…is so unfair and i feel sad reading that. i hope someday you are able to get there…because i think what you have to share is so valuable to the world and also i would just be so glad to see that you were able to do that for your own self.
much care to you dear Linda–
Hi K,
Bad news and good news: you were dealt the most difficult mother card The Witch. For The Witch life is about causing suffering. My mother is a Waif (life is about victimhood) which is easier to deal with as child but the abuse is harder to pin down later. So the good news (if it can be) is your abuse is very very clearly wrong and evil, no excuses, and you are a heroine for coming out of it as intact as you are even if you’re a hot mess you’re still my hero. Urge you to go to library for Understanding the Borderline Mother. Or bookstore, it’s expensive but you could read basic BPD mother info right there. The first time you read it, it gives SO much clarity. My heart goes out to you, we all get it, we really do. Blessings, Denise
ps. we can love ourselves no matter what, I really do believe!
K,
I didnt read the above because u sent it twice so I read the one I commented on only and u left out a lot of things about your parents.
Your mother was cruel and sick. Actyally tying u up in the clost without food or water…she was out of her mind!!
I hope and pray u will come to realize that all of the things she told you were lies and probably things she really believes about herself.
i know its hard to change the cassette in our heads that play back those awful words. But each time u hear yourself think it..stop urself and say’whose mouth was this uttered out of?” A crazy sick persons mind. Therefore…you cannot trust or believe what they say. I dont care if she was normal in other ways…she was NOT.
Your goal will be to beak down those lies one by one.
it sounds like u are also struggling with depressive symptoms.I wonder if there are any resourses available for you as there were years back. Are u working?
I am sorry for all of the abuse u went through. I think Linda can certainly relate with u on many levels.Her mom thought she was the devils child and despised her. Its heartbreaking.
xo
You are so sweet.
hi Denise
thank you so much for your kind reply.
at present, i live outside the country and so there is little access to english books out here, there are some but the odds of me finding that book may be quite low though i still plan to keep an eye out for it the next time i go to the one bookstore with english books in my area. for safety reasons, i choose not to order online as i used to worry about being tracked down (i ran away some yrs ago and did have one incident of being tracked down that resulted in more terrible things) although i dont worry about that so much anymore, i still try to be cautious and dont give out my address or have things shipped to me, things like that.
i did start a search online though and will slowly read up on what i can find online. i found a forum wheresomeone posted a brief outline of the 4 types. reading those brief descriptions, my mother seems to fit more than one type or maybe just switched types depending on situation? i’m not sure if that”s common or not? she often spoke of herself more like the hermit: she ws a victim, the world was out to get her and no one could be trusted. yet she acted as the queen in the household most of the time, demanding perfection and controlling every little thing, when she didn’t swing into complete neglect. yet her constant verbal abuse and at times cruel punishments definitely fit the witch too. gah just thinking about all the contradictions with her words and actions not to mention the compelte split she managed between public and private life to create this picutre of the perfect, hardworking, martyr of a mother who sacrificed soo much for her children.
gah all the contradictions , the split in behavior makes my head spin.
thank you for giving me so much to think about. and for your kind welcome. i feel so glad to have met you.
it sounds like having a waif mother would be even more confusing. i know even for me there were so many times i was taking care of my mother emotionally. i can only imagine with the waif personality it might be even more like that?
thank you so mcuh for reaching o ut to me.
peace to you,
k
hi Monica,
i am sorry for the double post. would it be better to delete the first one? when i first posted that and then checked for it it didn’t show up (maybe there was a delay?). on the repost, i thought about it for a bit and decided to share more details . then after i posted that, the first one showed up on my screen. oops.
thank you so muc h for both of your responses. they mean so much to me. i am so thankful you have this blog and that you created this space for people to share their stories.
yes the cassetteis difficult to deal with as you say. i often feel consumed by the self hatred. what you say about stopping myself and asking where it comes from is helpful. thank you. i often feel like it’s my own judgement but if i really stop and ask myself who said that? i know it was her that said it and i’ve just taken it in.
depressive symptoms, yes. i am so so much better than i used to be, but that’s not saying much. i have come so far and yet i dont know if the depression will ever fully go away, even as far as i’ve come there isso much sadness tiredness in me that weighs me down. thank you for your kindness and for asking. it touches my heart.
yes, i am working right now. that’s benea big struggle for me but right now i seem to be managing it. but being in a foreign country icannot access much help right now except online. iwill go back to the u.s. at some point and hopefully be able to look for some resources then.
since i can’t have a therapist right now, i feel very thankful to find places like this so i can connect with others and learn more
peace,
k
Hi dear K – My mother, too, fit all these categories – I suspect because she had BPD REALLY BAD!! Along with her serious psychosis about me being the devil’s child.
Reading your words makes me WISH I could complete my book. I know the TIREDNESS of which you write in your next comment here. I have always felt old, from the time I was 20 and first began to realize how I felt. OLD!! Now at 60 I still feel old! I look around at young people and realize how young they look to me — also knowing that when I was their ages I felt – so OLD!!
All any of us can do is the best that we can do. I remind myself that — even though it just adds to my sadness that my own book – writing my own story — seems to be too much for me! Somehow that just doesn’t seem FAIR to me!!!
sending lots of warm thoughts and love, Linda – alchemynow